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I Don't Like Harry Potter. Here's What I Want To See In Hogwarts Legacy

I Don't Like Harry Potter. Here's What I Want To See In Hogwarts Legacy
Avalanche Software | Warner Bros

Written by 

Joseph Kime

Posted 

18th Mar 2022 16:21

I'll be honest with you - despite being a massive nerd from a young age, and having involved myself in sprawling fantasy worlds in both literary and cinematic form - Harry Potter just never did it for me.

For whatever reason, I struggled to connect with it as a young bookworm, and as the films began to trickle out, I could appreciate them at face value, but never connected with the story, its characters, or its world. Harry Potter has always been a bizarre omission from my childhood, and now that I've entered my twenties and the series' creator has become a modern figurehead for all things deeply unpleasant, the Hogwarts Express has long left the station for me.

Yet, as Hogwarts Legacy has revealed exactly what it's all about, I'm still compelled by it. Maybe this could be the turning point for me in my Harry Potter fandom and unearth the Hufflepuff I was destined to be. But, I have some caveats - there are some features I need to see implemented into the game for me to really take the plunge. Avalanche Software, heed my warning - these are my demands.

A PS1 Hagrid Easter Egg

I Don't Like Harry Potter. Here's What I Want To See In Hogwarts Legacy
Griptonite Games

There's a lot to be said about how Hogwarts Legacy is a massive upgrade on the Harry Potter games of yesteryear - but it's worth remembering the best parts of those games. And one of those things is the polygonal powerhouse that is The Philosopher's Stone's tie-in game's Hagrid.

The flat-faced behemoth is an icon of the classic games (along with Draco Malfoy spitting "POTTER" with more venom than a Black Mamba), and as such, he deserves to be immortalised here. Let him poke his head out from behind a tree in the forest. Or under a trap door. Or even make him a little plasticine figure you can collect. As long as he's there, I'll be happy.

No More Money For J.K Rowling Than Is Legally Necessary

I Don't Like Harry Potter. Here's What I Want To See In Hogwarts Legacy
Avalanche Software

Right, let's get the serious one out of the way.

J.K Rowling has made herself to be the villain of Gen Z, with her rampant and wretched transphobia entirely tarnishing her personal brand, and for many, the entire franchise that she created. Her ruthless attacks on the trans community continue to break my heart, and she diminishes my chances of ever engaging with Harry Potter with every poisonous tweet she sends. So Avalanche Software needs to do something about it.

I'm more likely to shell out AAA prices for Hogwarts Legacy if I have some reassurance that J.K Rowling isn't getting a penny more of my money than is legally necessary, given that she created the series that birthed the game. As long as I can know that I'm not fuelling her hate, then I can be comfortable. That, or I'll just bag it from CEX.

Sonic Adventure's Chao Garden, But For Fantastic Beasts

I Don't Like Harry Potter. Here's What I Want To See In Hogwarts Legacy
SEGA

The Wizarding World is teeming with magical creatures, and that doesn't mean a thing if I can't breed them, care for them, name them, and play with them.

Imagine the Chao Garden from Sonic Adventure, but full of Centaurs, and Trolls, and whatever Niffler is, and that weird stick insect thing. You could tend to them and make sure they're happy in your funny farm, making sure they grow up strong until you can take them away to join you on your campy, magical adventure across Hogwarts. That way you'll feel like you've really earned a companion, even if they're a weird stick insect that repulses you a bit.

The Goofiest Spells You Could Possibly Imagine

I Don't Like Harry Potter. Here's What I Want To See In Hogwarts Legacy
Avalanche Studios

There's a certain silliness about Harry Potter that seems to be played completely straight, like watching children rocketing through the sky after a flying golden ball bearing on broomsticks isn't actually the stupidest s**t you've ever seen. Hogwarts Legacy should steer into this.

I want to turn my foes into chickens. I want to give them silly bubble beards. I want them to dance uncontrollably and whip their friends into a frenzy. I want to be able to cast a spell on a foe that makes them burst into song as though they've walked onto the stage of a Broadway production of Mamma Mia. Give me all of the stupid spells that don't exist yet and set me loose in the halls of Hogwarts, and I'll have the absolute time of my life.

Skateboard Tricks For Broomsticks

I Don't Like Harry Potter. Here's What I Want To See In Hogwarts Legacy
Avalanche Studios

If there's one thing that broomstick riding has always been missing, it's some sick tekkers, mate. Sure, it'll be exciting to soar through the air across the playable map - but how much cooler would it be to be able to pop a kickflip on that sucker?

Show Hogwarts who's really king of the grind and sport some banging combos while you're up there. It might be incredibly dangerous, but we take the risks that we must in order to look the coolest. And while you're at it, Avalanche, I'm sure an eerie orchestral version of Superman by Goldfinger in the style of Harry Potter's score wouldn't go amiss.