I'm Begging You To Please Stop Talking About Bedding Pokemon
People want to bed Pokemon. You've been on the internet before. You know it. And yet, we do nothing about it.
As time rolls on, and as more beasties join the ranks of Pokemon games mainline or not, the pool of creatures that waddle, gallop, and soar around the recognisable regions continue to diversity. Though every year brings with it the claim that the teams at The Pokemon Company are losing their creativity with the likes of Klefki and Trubbish serving as the icons of Pokemon idiocy, there are always new surprises that remind us how well-designed these beasties are. Recently, it was Lechonk that proved how lovely they can be, and now as fans fall for Paldean Wooper (or "Pooper," if you will) and Fidough, it's clear that we've got some cuties on the horizon.
Yet, chances are, there will be Pokemon that are compelling for… other reasons. And it falls to you to keep it to yourself.
Please Stop Trying To F**k Pokemon
A surprising cultural benchmark has arrived that has seen people grow more and more shameless about the Pokemon they're compelled to stick it to, and though it can often be funny to jest, some people don't particularly seem to be joking.
A notorious example is the video shared by YouTube gaming giant Markiplier, running through the entire Pokedex, choosing which he'd smash or pass. It's a video without nuance or explanation, rattling through each Pokemon identifying those he'd rail, and with the publication of the video, we have confirmation that in a fleeting moment, one of the leading creators in the gaming space has at least considered smashing every Pokemon in existence.
Not only that, but he selects 72 of the 898 Pokemon as his smashes, and all things considered, and compared to others, this is a relatively conservative list.
It's a marker of just her fervently maidenless Pokemon fans are - and while there are 339,082 results for "Pokemon" on Rule34.com as of the time of writing (yes, I had to look it up for the sake of this article), it's clear that it isn't limited to just idle thought.
And it's about time that we draw a line.
I'm Begging You To Stop Trying To F**k Pokemon
Though their demeanour might not give it away, there's every chance that The Pokemon Company knows how much you want to smash their monsters. After all, any press is good press, even if it comes in the form of Gardevoir getting their chebs out.
It's all a part of that machine that brings players together for the series, whether those fans be children with innocent intent or slimy adults with… less than innocent intent. By casting away your desire to get intimate with fictionalised versions of plants and ice cream cones, we'll be free to enjoy the game for what it is without caving to carnal desires and actually appreciate what's in front of us. At this stage, it has become just as hard to disconnect Pokemon from being on Markiplier's smash list as it is Pikachu and his celebrity status from the anime.
One day, I'll be able to play a Pokemon game without worrying about the online discourse about which fan wants to poke which animal. It's pretty bleak, and as we roll onto a new region and generation, there are bound to be more yet. Please, resist. I need my innocence back in at least some small portion, and I just want to look at a cute ball of genetic f**kery without worrying what you freaks would do to it if given the chance.