Steampunk tentacle murder onion from Australia reporting in. What?!

15:39, 10 Mar 2021

The great late British philosopher Alan Watts once said "The artist’s problem is to avoid changing the rules so radically that no bridge remains over which the public can follow him." Well, that didn't really work here, did it Mr. Blizzard Entertainment? We're drowning in the layers of abstraction here, and it's creepy as all can be!

With our last deep breaths, let us explain what the confusion is about here. Overwatch recently launched the "Pachimari Challenge", giving free cosmetics to players that participate in the challenges of having to win three matches to gain a player icon, six matches to receive a Junkrat emote, and nine games to unlock the Epic Skin "Roadhog Pachimari". If you're an Overwatch fan, the mere juxtaposition of these two terms should creep you out enough in a weird science experiment akin to that one Full Metal Alchemist scene. Yeah, that one.

What's a Roadhog and what is a Pachimari?

For those not quite clued in what this means, let us build you this bridge here. Roadhog is one of the 32 playable heroes in Overwatch and his character design is one of the darkest in the game's lore. Born in Australia, Roadhog is an unrelenting murderer from the steam-punk city of Junkertown, equipped with the laugh and the breathing sounds that all too much reminds of a Dead by Daylight killer. Huffing his special gas concoctions through his gas mask he also has never once taken off in the history of the game, one might rightly assume that his addictions to those fumes is what gives him second wind in battle, allowing him to tank further damage as he heals himself. Equipped with a hook and with a big-bellied stature, Blizzard seems to have taken inspiration from its own Diablo franchise in which the Butcher has been a villainous character for over two decades. Half-man, half-pig, Roadhog as a character is a hybrid of sorts, an abomination of tropes that burst at the seams of horror feasibility and has worked quite well in that niche for the game. Overwatch was okay with the levels of abstraction in Roadhog.

Enter Pachimari, the cute anime style onions... with tentacles. Yeah, I know. I've covered Overwatch since it's early beta days, and I've never understood that either. Pachimaris are perhaps the most impressive science experiment that proves slapping anime eyes and smiles onto any wild combination of things will make people respond positively to them.

It could've ended here, but Blizzard had to come up with a love child of these two Chimeras, creating Roadhog Pachimar, the cute steam-punk tentacle murder onion anime pig from Australia. Dancing "graciously" across the screen in the promotional trailer, Roadhog Pachimari shoulders the weirdness of a green tentacle, the cute smile of a piglet...on a gas mask, with several stickers, emblems, a bodypainting, a cap, rings, knee pads, and more showcasing a smiling tentacle onion while giving off clownish vibes.

Mercifully, Blizzard has locked the skin behind the progression wall of nine victories in any normal Overwatch game mode while designing a ranked system that will reliably produce the worst teammates on your team, minimising your win chances. Alas, it's a cool skin, and we want it.


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