What are the hot rumours that are being traded at the SSE?

19:00, 06 Feb 2020

Welcome back to the OWL scrimbux stock exchange, where the currency is nothing but unfounded confidence, where each scrim is in a superposition of being won and lost at the same time, where… you know… actually this pre-season nobody really knows what the hell is going on, but they are mighty confident about it! It is a magical place, in a dimension where logic doesn’t apply… in fact Logix kills Apply, but not regularly, depending who you’re asking of course!

You’d be a fool to take anything here at face value, but you’re pulled in by the promised holy grain of truth (though it might really just be salt) buried deep under the building, conveniently harvested from the sodium chloride mines of the teams' player and staff pool. Invest now, gamble, and throw it all away. Come in, come in. What did you say? Of course it’s too early to say anything with confidence, that is the entire point, Stupid! May I ask you to put in these nose plugs? You’ll understand soon...

The heart-wrenching story of Big Tony and the most diverse meta to date

More meta, more problems, I tell ya. This pre-season has been a nightmare for any scrimbux trader. I tried to invite you folks over a week ago, but you wouldn’t have learned anything from this mess. It got real bad. See that empty desk over there? That’s Big Tony’s. He was in charge of keeping track of all the meta comps being played. He was doing an admirable job when it slowly switched from Mei/Hanzo on DPS to other variations. Then the tanks started rotating between Rein/Orisa and D.Va/Rein and you could tell he was stressed. Eventually, teams started playing different comps depending on map type and man, he pushed some serious overtime. Didn’t see his wife and kids for two weeks! And then suddenly last week, when you thought he finally could get some rest, all hell broke loose. These madmen started playing whatever the hell they wanted. Sombra, Reaper, Zarya, Ana! Now we come to the reason for the nose plugs. When finally the first teams started pulling out Symmetra on Assault and Control poor Big Tony lost his shi… Well, actually quite literally. If you turn around and look over at the wall, you can see that he wrote all the comps that are currently being played with his… 

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Nobody dared to clean it up. It’s too complicated and too valuable for this institution. Team stock depends on it! Glad we ordered Chipotle catering that week. He might have run out of ...ink... otherwise. HR sent him to the “hero pools” for rehabilitation. Stock experts say hero pools might limit the meta diversity and not help it. The meta might become less diverse than it is right now by that introduction. Interesting idea, I hope it helps Big Tony.

Week one big dogs

The Titans are doing pretty well in scrims, performing to the level you’d expect of them all things considered and they should be starting into the season as the expected power house. Perhaps I should give you a mild recommendation for buying shorts on them, as the environment they’ve been set up in might put them in a pickle. Otherwise there is nothing trend worthy to report, they’re just solid.

Now the scrimstory of the Gladiators opens my heart and reminds me why I got into this business in the first place because depending on who you ask, they are either top tier or thoroughly mediocre. Now here is the kicker that should get you guys really excited: Both those statements might be true, as the reason for their difference in performance against different teams might be...giving you a little pause for dramatic effect, you like that? ... Match up related differences. Uuuuhhh. What I mean is, we might be in a meta where some mid-tier teams might be doing very well against generally top-tier performing teams because the way their meta proficiency falls makes them strong against specific opponents! We might soon be using fancy phrases like “John, I think the Houston Outlaws might have a good match-up against the Los Angeles Gladiators” or “Connor, I think the map selection for this match might influence the comps to the New York Excelsior will be able to play and it might favor them on this Saturday night.” Big boy stuff, people.

Speaking of the Excelsior, for the longest time they were considered the strongest team in the Atlantic Division but scrimbux rumours have it that the recent meta changes haven’t treated them well and they’re a little bit behind. This might hurt them against the Spitfire and the Upri...Pfff, hahaha. I’m sorry, I couldn’t keep a straight face for this. They’re probably not a top 5 team right now, but they shouldn’t run into any troubles this weekend.

Nothing too much to say about the Shock other than that they are expectedly amazing. They had been running a bunch of creative compositions in the past, utilizing much of their roster. What their final set of strategies will be is hard to foretell. A bunch of them had Choihyobin sitting on the bench for those scrims they ran Rein/Orisa.

London’s first drill sergeant

The Spitfire has an interesting approach in scrims. They run an A and a B team that scrim often independently. They are led into battle by drill sergeant Agape, who has a reputation of getting loud and at times, let’s say… impassioned. Especially when players tab out of the game. He wants them focused at all times, even in ranked. If he keeps this up, perhaps his players won’t have to go to mandatory military service. Their A team that is expected to be starting consists of JMAC, BERNAR, Glister, Schwi, Babel, Fuze and Krillin. They’re doing okay-ish in scrims but were definitely smacked around by the Asian teams when they were still scrimming in Korea. The Spitfire are a fairly secure long-term investment for the later seasons.

The Butt of the joke

Alright you little juicers, we got to the fun stuff. Who is big, bad, booty? So the Overwatch League of course has a butt again and this time around it has three cheeks! The Uprising, Justice and surprisingly the Fuel are apparently already getting blacklisted from scrims. We know you’re making money Fuel players, especially you 200k bench blankets, but those designer clothes need to be earned. You know what they say: “Skinny jeans doesn’t mean your ass can shoot, it means your booty gets clapped.” Fuel, you lost a lot of people a lot of money in scrimbux this off-season by looking solid on paper and then not so solid in scrims by most accounts, except… let me see the notes again.. Ah yeah, except your own. Real retirement home energy. One investor remains bullish on the Fuel — Dignitas, and we’re not talking about the esports organisation. Crimzo should be starting, Closer and the tank line is looking really rough these days according to scrimbux anyway. There was one thing Fuel was good for, though. If you look at your handout, you’ll see Wendy. Please don’t take this as actual evidence, for crying out loud.

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The Uprising were doing okay in December and early January but then the meta market collapsed as I showed you and now they feel lost. According to an insider, they are “meme tier” now, to the point where even mid-tier teams cancel against them? Ruthless these days, I tell you. Whatever happened to helping the poor?

And then there are the Justice. Highly ranked by some experts in the scene, putting them in the top 10 and even with potential of a top 5 finish! What a great comeback that would be! Corey can finally shine just like stage 4 and the backline on paper, oh my! And Ttuba… What is it Marc, can you not see I’m in the middle of something… This is my assistant Marc, folks. And he has a really important matter apparently. He better have if he likes his job, hehe. A note? Give that here. I should read it out loud? Alright, this better be important. Ahem…”It is the honest consensus of the scrimbux contributing staff and players that whoever ranks the Washington Justice anywhere close to the upper half of the bracket is expected to lose to any self-respecting coin flip power ranking.“ Settle down! Settle down! I’m sure these are just PC issues!

Valiant insider stock

We thought we could surprise you with that insider trading information about the Valiant’s stock spike but I guess that’s already out of the bag, eh? Indeed, the Valiant are currently doing phenomenally in scrims and according to some traders, are doing as well as going 50/50 with Gladiators, Atlanta Reign and even the Shock in scrims! They are highly sought out practice partners. If the Valiant make it to top 8 with the presumed scraps of the player pool, what does that say about Packing10’s stock? You could make Wizardhyeong money on this bet. Maybe even Zombs money!

The team mainly plays Rein/D.Va compositions which is quite unusual in the North American scrim meta. They’re otherwise just as flexible as anyone else. In terms of sheer unforeseen hitscan-prowess, young KSP is a standout newcomer that is only rivalled by one other player that I’ll tell you some other time about. What do you mean I’m a tease? I told you the juice was flowing and the pulp was thick. Just come back soon. We just got the teams which are playing week one out of the way. Bring some popcorn, there is a lot more to talk about! On second thought, maybe eating with Big Tony’s meta wall in the same room isn’t the play. We’ll clean it up. Perhaps tomorrow or next week?

 

Images courtesy of Tyler Demogenes for Blizzard Entertainment

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