Overwatch At The Olympics [Satire]

In just a short amount of time, the 2020 Olympics will be taking place this month in Tokyo, after a year-long postponement due to the pandemic. Every four years there’s something special and hyped about gathering together around your home country and watching your star athletes compete for gold, in sports that usually don’t get the same share of the limelight year-round.  

However, if you’re into competitive gaming, seemingly that conversation surrounding esports and its involvement at the Olympics happens to make an appearance every year. Should esports be a featured event at the Olympics? Who knows? Would it be cool to have them there? Yeah, it probably would be pretty cool. 

For Overwatch fans, we already get a taste of that international competition with the four previous World Cups. It’s an event that’s pretty unique to Overwatch’s competitive scene, since all things considered, no other esport has been able to successfully craft rosters around an ample amount of nationalities like Overwatch has. For four years, countries were able to find the best talent to compete under a nation’s flag, and for a majority of those years, we saw high-level, exciting tournaments that truly helped grow the esport and gave everyone a reason to cheer, to root, and watch. 

So, in the spirit of the Olympics, in the spirit of not having an Overwatch World Cup in 2020, and the spirit of having fun, maybe it’s time to share the breaking news and team moves that would break the internet if Overwatch were suddenly being hosted at the Olympics.

Let’s be a little ridiculous, let’s go a little out there, and since there’s no foreseeable news of a World Cup or an Olympics, how wacky can we get with it?

Swiss Army Jake - TEAM USA Announces new HYBRID Position

After clinching a dominant win at the World Cup in 2019, the USA looks to defend its title once again, by pulling off another repeat performance, this time by bolstering the team’s capabilities at every role. Their main focus? Utilising a brave new hybrid position, an idea that had stemmed from the Houston Outlaws implementing a player/coach position during the Overwatch League 2020 season. 

Team USA announced today that after showcasing inspiring leadership, domineering mechanical prowess on heroes like Mercy, Brigitte, and Junkrat, and being the overall key figure and the face of western Overwatch, the team felt fully invested in Jacob “JAKE” Lyon’s ability to perform in literally every role that can feasibly put on a team.

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Former Team USA member Shane “Rawkus” Flaherty, gave his thoughts on the move.

“Honestly, I’m not even close to being surprised. I mean, really, Jake’s ultimate goal is to work in every possible position one could have in esports. He’s already been a player, a caster, spokesperson, hell now he’s a player/coach. There really isn’t anything that Jake can’t do, honestly, he’s got this endless bounds of charisma that makes you want him everywhere”.

Jake will be managing the team, coaching the team, playing with the team, posting on Twitter for the team, and probably even cooking for the team as they boot camp for the upcoming Olympic Games.

A true all-American innovator. Jake is the first-ever GM, head coach, starting player, and team chef for a professional esports team, simply put there is nothing that can stop this landmark of a man on his journey to simply do everything. 

It Worked Well That One Time Right? - Team France Makes an UNPRECEDENTED Move

In what may call a desperate bid to improve their chances at a gold medal this year, Team France has successfully appealed to the French government, to give the entirety of the Paris Eternal roster dual-citizenship, for the purposes of participating in the Overwatch Olympics, under the French banner. 

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Team France general manager Kyoung Ey "AVALLA" Kim (because why wouldn’t she be) was quoted as saying: “Yeah no, these guys are pretty cracked. I’m honestly really shocked at how well I was able to put this team together with a budget of a shoestring and a loose pack of menthols. Even though midseason departures, I was able to bust out a promising team with the help of my staff, of who I pay in loose fries I find on the floor of my 2004 Honda Civic. Honestly, I’m cracked too for pulling this off, and in my opinion, there’s no one else who should be playing for the pride of France than the starting lineup of the Paris Eternal.”

Onlookers and analysts say that the Paris Eternal really proved their worth in their reverse sweep against the LA Gladiators during the Summer Showdown qualifiers, and that this might have the potential to be the best iteration of Team France the Overwatch community has ever seen.

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Overheard in the SK Locker Room - Team South Korea Reveals TWELVE MAN 2021 Olympics Roster 

After their historic first loss to the United States in the semi-finals of the 2019 World Cup, Team South Korea has vowed to come back for the 2021 Olympics, and reclaim their title as the best country in the game. No prisoners, no holding back for Team SK, this time they’re using everything in their arsenal to take back the gold.  

In their latest announcement on Twitter, Team South Korea has decided to, quote “just run the starting lineups of the Shanghai Dragons or Dallas Fuel, because why not, what roster on Earth is going to beat that”. This was followed by an immediate reply: “Oh snap, wrong account.” 

The move showcases that South Korea is confident that their best move is probably just the two grabbing already prepackaged best teams in the world.

“We’re not messing around this time,” said Co-Head Coaches Hee-won "RUSH" Yun. Co-Head Coach Byung-chul "Moon" Moon followed with. “2019 was embarrassing for all of us. I mean come on, we used to be the team that ran TaiRong Symmetra and Flow3r Zenyatta, just for fun, and we’d still win, now we can’t even take more than one map off the Americans? What happened to us?”

It was then both coaches then turned their heads and quietly stared at Team South Korean assistant coach Dae-hee "Crusty" Park, as he walked by. 

“Anyway, we’re working incredibly hard to give the fans and South Korea the result it deserves at this Olympics. We’ve got the most stacked staff you could ask for. Kuki’s here, Ninek too, I think I saw Arachne and paijon hanging out in the back somewhere? I don’t honestly know what they do for the team but look, point is, we have this tournament on lock, not a single meta is going to slip past us. We have the greatest minds and talents in all of South Korea working overtime to ensure this victory.” 

As to which team’s six players would start over the other, the co-head coaches are unsure for now, but they rest assured that they’ve narrowed it down to a coin flip, a best of nine match of Connect Four, or, you know, whoever is going to be the team that wins the most tournaments this year in the Overwatch League.