Can the nerfs get our main tanks out?

18:30, 07 Aug 2020

Satire

Main tank inmates across the Overwatch League have filed a motion for early release from Orisa jail. In the recent experimental patch notes, Blizzard Entertainment had expedited the process, possibly allowing main tank players to choose Winston, Reinhardt, or even Wrecking Ball. The motion is currently stuck in the experimental card process.

Players across the league have raised human rights concerns for the hero’s mind-numbingly boring gameplay. Guangzhou Charge’s main tank Seung-pyo "Rio" Oh, the longest standing inmate at the prison with over ten hours of play-time, welcomed the development. “They send you here for life, and that’s exactly what they take. There’s really not a whole lot to do here, we mostly clean the shields and sometimes we get to shoot some Halts with the boys in the yard. That’s it.”

Ji-won "Stand1" Seo echoed the sentiment. The rookie main tank had been put in solitary confinement of Orisa-only duty after he fought Eui-Seok "Fearless" Lee for the position. “I’ve tried to use Fortify on my soul, but it has been tough. I hope Warden Moon lets me out soon.”

Seoul Dynasty main tank Jae-hee "Gesture" Hong talked about his life prior to his incarceration. “It’s ironic. Not to toot my own horn, but I was a pretty good scientist studying the sociological impact of for-Profit prisons. Now that I’m in one, I realised what I’ve done wrong. I wish I could go back to pre-season and do it all over again.”

João Pedro "Hydration" Goes reminisced about an earlier time in his life when he was still a DPS player. “Sometimes I close my eyes, pop Supercharger and pretend I’m out there again, on Numbani catwalk back in ‘16 as Soldier:76, dealing damage and getting kills… I went the wrong way in life, super had it right…”

During our stay at the Official Remand Institution for Severe Apathy, inmates would repeatedly swoon about former resident Matthew "super" DeLisi who had become a legend in their circle. “I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged”, said Blake Myeong-hwan "smurf" Yoo, main tank for the San Francisco Shock who had been in the facility for almost eight hours, reminiscing of his time-sharing a cell with super. “He told me what he wanted to do. I thought he was crazy when he said he’s going to slice his way through these walls. I should’ve believed in the Philly attitude...”

Using only a dull plastic knife to dig an exit, super studied the guard shifts and minimised his risk of being caught. “He’d only carve when the Boston Uprising and the Vancouver Titans were on duty. I thought it was dumb and ignored him”, said smurf. After super had escaped, a thorough investigation had found that correctional officer Dae-hee "Crusty" Park might have assisted super in his escape, and he’s awaiting trial in the Overwatch League playoffs this autumn. 

The facility had instituted a socialisation program that allowed main tanks to partake in physical activity in the hero pools. “It’s nice to occasionally get to dive into the backline”, Gesture shared. “But because we’re wearing the jumpsuits, some people still see us as monsters.”

Whether or not the changes to the tank hero will help shorten the sentences of the inmates is so far unknown. Experts are divided on the nerfs, though most tend towards a collapse of the Draconian system. 

GGRecon will update the story as it develops.


 

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