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Apex Predators Hospitalised for Dehydration Due to Excessive Sweating

Apex Predators Hospitalised for Dehydration Due to Excessive Sweating

Written by 

Katie Memmott

Posted 

1st Jun 2020 20:00

Shocking reports are indicating that a massive 69% of all Apex Legends players in the top Apex Predator rank are being hospitalised at an alarming rate due to dehydration - caused by excessive sweating. Traces of branded gaming energy drink were found in 42.0% of all those tested for the condition, now being called “Predatoritis“ by medical professionals.

Dr E. Witt of King’s Hospital made a statement regarding the record number of admissions thanks to this mysterious condition, seemingly only afflicting those prone to grinding.

“We see a lot of Wraith mains coming through these doors. A. Lot. It’s not their fault, they see a Wingman on the ground, and something takes over, and then the sweating begins; and it does not stop.”

Leading Predatoritis researcher Dr A. Knox had a different angle, blaming lack of sleep and proper nutrition, as well as an absence of social interaction, as to why the condition is affecting so many at this top level of gameplay. Knox appears to only be interested in researching the condition post-mortem…

“I do not care who makes the kill. As long as I can observe it die.”

Apex Predators
Dr Knox performing one of his many experiments… on other doctors.

Strong words from the good Doctor, but the statistics speak for themselves.

Exhaustion, social isolation, and a diet mainly consisting of high-calorie energy drinks and “Doritos”, are doing a number on a large contingent of the Apex fanbase.

Research performed by a third-party known as “Dinocakess” suggests that an individual must spend at least 24 hours playing the game, assuming every match is a victory with 5 eliminations, to grind to the Predator rank. That’s a lot of processed potato products and bull sperm to consume in a day and could contribute dramatically to an individual’s diagnosis of Predatoritis.

Players who are experiencing symptoms of Predatoritis, are reporting palms so slippery that the controller has hit the wall inexplicably, and sudden on-set Tourette’s Syndrome when losing a match.

Alex Pegends spoke out about his truly terrifying brush with the affliction.

“Me and my friends were just having fun, playing Ranked, climbing the ladder. We finally got past Master and suddenly wrist guards appeared on our arms, we had an irresistible urge to swear at anyone we saw, as well as calling them “trash”, and the sweat was unbelievable. It blinded me briefly as it was just POURING from my forehead. It was scary. I uninstalled after that.”

Local veteran Anita Williams blames the streaming platform Twitch for Predatoritis, citing that it turned former teammates against her on more than one occasion.

“Oscar Mike ladies - listen up. One time on Worlds Edge, I was engaging with a TTV_Wraith, and she one-tapped me with a Triple Take (very little projectile drop). It was a real Cluster Foxtrot move, and I’ve put the time in, I’ve earned my stripes. To go down like that made me feel like a civvie.”

Apex Predators
Paquette setting up her workstation, where players will be thrown into the electric fences, as means of shock therapy for Predatoritis.

 The Outlands top scientists, such as Natalie Paquette, are working on a cure for the as-yet incurable disease. Paquette had this to say on her controversial shock-therapy methods;

“Let’s get to work.”

 

This was satire. 

Images via Respawn Entertainment

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